Monday, June 28, 2010

Grass is always greener

Saw this in the latest PostSecret and had to share...

It's true.  Sometimes being single rules.  We need to keep reminding ourselves whenever we feel bummed about not having an other of significance.

A few good things about rolling solo:
  1. Sleeping in the middle of the bed.  Everyone says that but it's true.  It rules.
  2. You can watch chick flicks or whatever annoying thing you're into as often as you want.
  3. Boring cotton panties and pajama pants are really pretty comfortable.
  4. You have the freedom to try new things without being critiqued.  Popcorn and rootbeer for dinner? Sure. Shave your head? Cool. Flying to Puerto Rico on a whim? Hell yeah. 
  5. Your messy bedroom and bathroom are not bothering anybody. All those dirty socks on the floor are yours. All yours.
  6. You can be in a bad mood without having to justify it or apologize, and you're not subject to anyone else's bad mood.  Fuck that "how was your day?" and pretending to care bullshit. 
  7. Not shaving or waxing.  Letting your mane grow wild and free... downstairs.  Unless you're fixing to get some with someone new, but in that case it's totally worth it.
  8. You can go out whenever you want, wear whatever you want, and flirt with anyone you want.  Your future lovers are out there somewhere... that's kind of exciting, right?
  9. Spending more time with your friends. Especially the single ones. They're awesome.
  10. Farting. If you gotta do it, go 'head and let 'dem bad boys rip. 
  11. Finally and most importantly: It's better to be alone than in a shitty relationship that's eating your soul.  Can I get an amen?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Hits a little close to home.

I love reading Craigslist's Best Of.  Last week, I came across this anti-hipster rant and it made me laugh, but it also made me cringe.  It hits a little close to home.

My girlfriend and I are both really into cute guys in plaid who ride bikes. Like it's some kind of formula. Just look at this guy on the right. He's adorable. Do you even know how I found this picture? It's from a blog called No Postage Required in a post titled Field Guide to The Urban Bicyclist, which I found by typing 'hipsters plaid bike' into Google Image search. No lie.

He may be a walking stereotype, but I would definitely talk to this dude. I have other requirements like being funny, smart and having a good taste in music. But cute, in a plaid shirt, with a bike goes a long way.

Is it wrong to have a type, even if that type is trendy? Does that make me shallow?

This Craigslist fella seems to think so...

Originally Posted: Fri, 12 Feb 04:05 CST

every girl that dreams of dating a bearded uptown hipster with a bike

Date: 2010-02-12, 4:05AM CST

let me just remind you that when you take away the fixed-gear bike, the messenger bag, the scarf that's worn year-round, the ironic t-shirt, the dumb shoes, the pbr, the tattoos, plugs, and the stupid beard, we all look the same.

so, are you really in love with a guy or his accessories? or is it that you're in love with the whimsical idea of an urban lumberjack type who will go on "adventures" with you, meanwhile being perfectly content with doing what every other human being our age does: drinking and fucking?

also, tell me about the last black guy you dated. what's that? you can't? cause every fucking uptown hipster is a white boy from the suburbs.

the uptown wannabes from the suburbs grow up idolizing the current inhabitants. when they're old enough, they move there, grow beards and do the stupid shit that kids do (eg. drink). what's ironic is that this new generation then grows up and becomes the new kids to be idolized by the new uptown wannabes from the suburbs. it's an endless cycle of superficiality, facades, and stupid kids seeking affirmation from their peers.

the truth is, NONE OF YOU ARE COOL!

read the rest here

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Cool penis.

This doesn't have anything to do with dating, but it's funny and there's a dick in it.

Speaking accidental dick sightings, have you seen

Are you even listening?

I'm watching a lot of infoMania lately. It's like a nerdier, broader media based version of The Soup.

One of my favorite segments is Sergio's Music Intervention where he tells annoying pop musicians what's what. I kinda want to marry this guy.

(Official clip. Sorry for the preceding ad)

I also really enjoy these segments also:
That's Gay
Modern Lady

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Venti mochas and being a bitch

OK, I don't want to be some angry man-hating blogger bitch who just makes fun of every guy I come across on dating websites.  Plenty of guys have been completely okay or mediocre.  And a few guys went above and beyond and deserved a good, old-fashioned, passive-aggressive yet surreptitious online mocking.   Like the Horny Old Creepy Guy who found me on OKcupid and couldn't stop trying to meet me.  And my Pineapple Stalker who couldn't find my dating profile and contacted me at my personal email account instead.

Then there was the Rambling Geeky Bachelor from Cupidtino.  I mocked him initially because I perceived his long email as weird and impetuous, but also because he made fun of my profile picture.  Even though my profile picture is utterly and completely mockable!  I mean, just look at it!  I look like a total tool!  Sure, I'm smiling and seem to be having fun, but in a really douchey, cheap, Vegas kind of way.  I'm wearing beads for Christ's sake.

Eventually, I felt bad for making fun of the Cupidtino guy and decided to write him back. I was friendly, with a heavy dose of clever, light-hearted sarcasm.  A few days later he wrote a nice reply, which I then replied to a few days later.  I started to think we were hitting it off after all.  I still haven't received a third message from him and, sadly, Cupidtino now requires a membership fee to read your messages.  Why, Cupidtino?  Why do you hate me?

Right now I'm unsure about throwing down the $4.79.  I don't believe me and computer guy are going anywhere romantically because he lives in SF and doesn't show his face in his profile picture which means he's probably a dog.  (Oh shit, was that bitchy?)

There are just so many questions left unanswered.  For example:
 - If I let $4.79 stand in the way of romance, does that make me cheap?
 - Is $4.79 a lot of money?
 - Why is it $4.79 instead of an even $5?
 - Is it worth $4.79 if it at least led to an interesting end to this half-assed online dating saga?
 - What if it's for blogging purposes only?
 - Is assuming this 'had potential to be interesting' mean I am a 'hopeful person'?
 - Is it sad that I really want a venti Mocha right now?
 - Will I ever get laid?

Thursday, June 17, 2010


Found a really cute guy on OKcupid this morning. His profile sounded normal, he has a dog, wasn't too much younger than me and actually lives in the SB area, as opposed to SF or LA as most of the good ones seem to. I'm thinking, "Jackpot. I'm totally going to message this guy."

And then I skimmed his "details:"

Christianity? Eww! Deal-breaker! Smoking, occasional drug use and dropping out of college aren't doing him any favors either, but a serious Christian? No way. Too much baggage. Won't go there.

How about you? What are some of your dealbreakers?

You can't be gay on eHarmony recently won a People's Choice Webby Award award for their parody video Web Site Story, about an unlikely pair finding love online. It's almost a year old, but I still love watching this.

cross-posted to Auntie Cake.

You can't be gay on eHarmony. recently won a People's Choice Webby Award award for their parody video Web Site Story, about an unlikely pair finding love online. It's almost a year old, but I still love watching this.

cross-posted to OKstoopid

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Poker? I hardly knew her.

Does this Cupidtino button look like an asshole to you?

'Kinda like poke'? Yeah, I kinda like poke. Let's just say it's been a couple months and... Okay, I don't NEED someone to poke me to feel sexually validated or emotionally fulfilled in some way. And I don't want to ask to be poked just to be poked, because inevitably it's never just about the poking. I just want someone to WANT to poke me. You know?

My guy friend tells me, "Apparently, you're right in the middle of your 'reproduction expediting' phase."  I'm not sure his reason for telling me this.  Reproduction expediting is just a fancy term that means my biological clock is ticking, which is just a fancy term for be over 30 and wanting to get some.  Doesn't everybody want to get some all of the time?  

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hello, Kitty!

Check out these Hello Kitty mini vibrators for sale at Babeland!

The Hello Kitty first appeared over 10 years ago as a “shoulder massager” but Sanrio discontinued it when they discovered it had serious sex appeal. It’s finally back, and in three colors to boot, so pick up one (or three) if you’re looking for the perfect first-timer toy, a conversation starter at your next party, or a damn great gift for a friend.
In honor of the toys long-awaited return, Babeland sponsored a Flickr photo-contest where they invited customers to take pictures of their vibrator in different parts of the world. Just like the Travelocity gnome, only with clitoral stimulation!

Bridgy Kitty from by Elle from San Francisco, CA 

Gee Thanks.

Got this email from OKcupid yesterday.

We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.
How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.
. . .
Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:
You will now see more attractive people in your match results.
This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

I'll take the compliment, but it really makes me wonder... Do ugly people get emails that go, "We regretfully report that you are in the bottom half of OkCupid's most attractive users. You will now see less attractive people in your match results?"  As if online dating wasn't humiliating enough.

Am I being naive? Does everyone get this email? Is everyone a winner?  And by winner I mean loser?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

It's funny because it's true.

This shirt is for sale from the creators of A Softer World comics.

It's hard being single. Wait, did I say hard?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

The Elaborate Mormon guide to overcoming masturbation

Seriously.  Click on the link and read it for yourself.

This mock-able gem found found via @JadAbumrad via @stevesilberman on Twitter

Computer Camp Love

I'm a month late finding out about Cupidtino, the online dating site for Mac fans that is "not affiliated with or endorsed by Apple." It sounds like a complete joke, right?

It is not a joke!  This is the real thing!  I created a profile last night, initially in jest, but the entire time I kept thinking, "this is actually really cool." The user interface is very slick and... Appley.

Within 8 hours I have 366 profile views and 4 messages.

Here they are the messages I've received so far in their entirety.
  1. good morning lady
  2. What makes you a music and science nerd?
  3. Nice to meet you! Im Juan from Uruguay...
  4. Dearest Science Hipster Nerd (SHN),

    Don't worry, SHN is not a new STD although given that is has a horrible acronym one can't help but wonder. Wonder about that plus how anyone could possibly ever write an introductory message to a young lady and have the very first sentence be about STDs and then hope to get a reply.

    So you see, the universe is a weird and wild place with all kinds of randomness and random people. Some of whom enjoy being around other people, some of whom would rather just be at home alone playing video games and chatting with girls online. Or (worst case) writing emails to random women online who's only picture is one of them wearing an incredibly tacky semi transparent red hat in an effort to accompany her red handbag, red pen, red (ish) jacket, red necklace, red drink and (I presume) red undergarments (more classier way of saying red lingerie, oui, oui.)

    Perfect for a red hed.

    Ok, I'm overdosing on this red thing.

    Truth be told I prefer the slightly more subdued tones that come from the color blue. But I also prefer to spell the word color "colour". So ya. I could go on and on about that and begin talking about the metric system and other super sexy stuff but I don't want to spoil all the mystery in my very first email to you so I'll hold back just a little bit ...

    One final note on the red thing ... why in the name of god do you not have red fingernails? Looks like you might have red lipstick. So unlike you to be so-unperfectionist like that. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know you. Sigh.

    Oh and just for the record (this is me being competitive), I have my original Mac which dates back to 2001. Well ok ... I gave it to an ex-girlfriend but now I have a total of six MacBooks of various shapes and sizes. Side effect of working for Apple is I get all of those goodies for free which leaves me with plenty of $ to spend on girls who are highly unlikely to outlast any one of those six laptops. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

    Enough sighing for one night don't you think?

    Bonne nuit,

What the fuck. What's going on with bachelor #4? My god! Is he negging me? Ugh.

Unfortunately, bachelors #1 and #3 are obviously foreign. Sorry guys.

The one I would most likely respond to is #2. With one simple question he comes across as engaging and interested but not TOO interested. Is that so hard?

The title of this post was inspired by Datarock

Friday, June 4, 2010

Stalker alert.

It has been brought to my attention that I simply provide too much information in my online dating profiles. A few details about my job and hobbies, and after some clever Googling, my potential suitors are easily lifting my email address from my research group's website. Let's just say I am not a fan of being directly contacted via my school email address. Of course, it's all my fault for being so approachable. On the internet. Yep.  Simply having a profile on an online dating website means I'm desperate and asking to be stalked. /sarcasm

Allow me to introduce stalker number one of two (the first one is a long story), J. Apparently we have a lot in common, such graduate school, music, and The Big Lebowski. He saw my profile before I deleted my account, and after discovering my profile disappeared, decided to email me at my personal email address instead, shown below.

I realize the line between romantic and creepy can be quite thin but to me this falls in the creepy category. Yet he seems to do a pretty good job convincing himself he's just being "totally random."

I hope he accepts my non-reply to mean: "YES, I AM APPREHENSIVE ABOUT JUMPING RIGHT IN."

-------- Original Message --------

Subject: Hello miss Kate!
Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2010 00:48:54 -0700

who am i? yes, i'm getting to that.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Breaking the Ice

In addition to regular matches and "Quiver" matches, OKcupid has another feature called IceBreakers. Basically, they match you with someone you have at least one thing in common with. But there's a twist! You can't see who it is! All you know is you like the same tv show or band or whatever.

I've received messages from guys using this feature, they tend to go something like this (and yes, this is an actual message):
Whoever you are, the computer says I should be interested in you because you like The Rolling Stones. Which I think is kind of funny, because there are people my grandmother's age who like The Rolling Stones, and I probably wouldn't date them. Oh well, my favorite song by the guys is Jumpin' Jack Flash. How about you?
It just seems like one of those good bad ideas. What motivates someone to send a message to a complete stranger without even looking at their profile? Boredom? Desperation? Curiosity? Inability to initiate a conversation if you know what someone looks like? 

I could never bring myself to send an IceBreaker, but if I did, this is how I would start.  Let's just say they make it really easy.  

(Click to enlarge)